Martin johnson’s charity dinner

As I mentioned before, when I was in nz I went to one martin johnson’s charity dinners so here’s some jokes and stories from the night. I hope they are as funny in text as they were on the night !

Martin bayfield (who apparently appeared in harry potter as Robbie coltrane’s body double) was an excellent m.c. and told some great jokes –

I’ve already told the joke about Robert jones and the handkerchief, and one of the other ones he told was that in a previous dinner a welsh bloke had turned up late and sat down by his mate and said that he had a great joke to tell him about how dull English forwards were. And his mate told him to shut up because martin johnson was on the next table, but (6ft. 7in.) johnson overhead him and stood up and towered over the bloke and said “I’d like to hear your joke……., and 6ft.10in. martin bayfield over there would like to here your joke, and 20 stone Jason Leonard over there would like to hear your joke. So do you still want to tell your joke about how dull English forwards are” ?
And the welsh bloke said “no, I don’t think I will………..because I don’t want to have to explain it 3 times”

Another joke he told was when him and Leonard toured south Africa, and when the 2 of them were walking down a street, Leonard said “look there’s nelson Mandela” and bayfield asked where and leonard said “the coloured guy over there” bayfield said “gimme a clue” and Leonard said “over there carrying all those grocery bags”. Bayfield told him not to be daft and Leonard said “it is him, go and ask him” so bayfield went over and said “excuse me sir, are you nelson Mandela” and the bloke said “why don’t you fcuk off” !!. so bayfield told leonard that the bloke had told him to fcuk off and leonard said “oh well done bays, now we’ll never know” !!

Eric rush gave a really good/funny talk. He said he’d met princess Diana and she was the most beautiful woman he’d ever seen and she even smelled beautiful (and he wasn’t the only one sniffing). When he met her she’d split up with charles and it was around the time that there were photo’s of her in the sun newspaper in the gym with her legs apart, and mark ellis (who’s nickname is melon because he has an indiscriminate rooting system) said to her “so di…….no gyms in the palace then”. She was taken aback and said no, and that the guy that had taken the photos was a kiwi so ellis said “well you give me his name luv, and I’ll give him a kicking next time i see him”. Ellis then asked her “are you doing anything tonight”, and again she was taken aback and said “if I didn’t know better i’d say you were asking me out” ? to which ellis replied “well yor single ain’t ya” ?
Then rushie told a story about meeting nelson Mandela and before he met him he read his autobiography and when he was in the line up waiting to meet him he was stood next to ollo brown (who apparently is really dull) and rushie said to ollo “mandela’s an amazing man – he started life in a mud hut, spent 29 years in prison and is now the president of south Africa” and when Mandela came along the line, ollo said to Mandela “your family still live in that mud hut bro” ?
Rushie then told the story about buck shelford when they played france in ’86 and shelford had his groin stamped on and it tore his sack and he went off to the sideline with one of his testicles hanging out but got his bag sown up on the touchline and went straight back on to the field and carried on playing !!!

Then Johnson had a question and answer session. I mentioned before about the most popular question being about Austin healy, and Johnson said that Austin was difficult to ignore but it was worth the effort. Johnson talked about the ’93 tour and said that Richard Webster was the life and soul of the party and looked at bayfield and they both burst out laughing so not sure if they know some weird and wonderful things about webbie or they’re laughing because he’s apparently as dull as a brush.
Then he talked about the time England played NZ and they were down to a 6 man scrum because dallaglio and back had been sin binned and one of the forwards went down with a fake injury to give them a breather and the physio said to Johnson that he had a message from woodward and the message was “tackle them”, and Johnson said “brilliant suggestion !!, if only I’d thought of that“ !!.   he also said that if 6 of them could hold the 8 man nz scrum it showed how much pushing dallaglio and back did !! . he then told a story about after the world cup when they were parading the trophy around london in an open top bus, and heineken were good enough to put a load of beer and champagne on the bus but there was no toilet so Jason Leonard tried to relieve himself into a bottle of champagne but knocked it over and it went over lewis moody’s shoe’s and leg and moody tried to wipe it off with his hand and it was just before they got off the bus to go to the palace and moody didn’t wash his hands before he shook hands with the queen.   He also said that mark regan said he was anti monarchy and he wasn’t going to bow to the queen when he met her and he wasn’t going to be nice to her but when she came to shake regan’s hand he copped out and curtseyed to her and Johnson said that seeing mark regan curtseying to the queen was one of the funniest things he ever saw.

It was a great night and they finished off with a charity auction and I bought a framed shirt signed by the 2000 all blacks.

mAce wrote: Cracking read, when's your book coming out TT?

i can see it now "Tondu Turk Travels" -not suitable for persons under the age of 18.-

LOL